Effective Communication
Although I work as an individual psychotherapy, I find that so much of what bothers my clients is in the realm of effective communication. Specifically, being able to ask for what they want from others or alternatively, not knowing how to gracefully refuse requests that others make on them. Have you ever found yourself in either of those positions (need I ask)?
For example, Sue is a high school teacher that has an irreconcilable conflict with a TA in her class. The TA has gone to the Principal to complain about her. She feels that the Principal has been turned against her and she wants to know how to present her side without getting overwhelmed or angry.
Jack is a software engineer that is frequently overwhelmed with extra work that he feels has been dumped on him and that he ends up doing on his down time. He wanted help with how to stand up for himself and gracefully refuse the extra work.
The acronym D-E-A-R-M-A-N (from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) was developed by Marsha Linehan as a way to ask for what you need, or to say no to an unwarranted request, in a clear and confident way. It can be used by anyone who wants to improve their assertiveness and communication skills, so that they can enjoy more fulfilling and satisfying relationships.
So to get into specifics:
Describe: Describe the SITUATION leading up to your request stating only the facts. Avoid any interpretations or emotional language at this point. Tell the individual just what it is that you are reacting to:
Sue: Last week, the TA spoke to you about my behaviour.
Jack: Over the last month, I have been given two new projects to manage on top of the work that I am already doing.
Express: Express your feelings or opinions about the situation, using “I” words. Use phrases such as “I want” or “I don’t want” rather than “You should” or “You shouldn’t”. When you do this, you take responsibility for your own feelings, and it comes across as less accusatory.
Sue: I felt left out without the opportunity to let you know my side of the situation
Jack: I am feeling overwhelmed by all the work that I have to do during my off hours. It’s interfering with my family life.
Assert: Assert yourself clearly by asking for what you want or saying no to a request.
Sue: I would really love to have the opportunity to meet privately with you for about 15 minutes to get your advice about how to handle this.
Jack: I am unable to continue take on this extra load and I’d like to ask if you could reassign this to Jim or Harry.
Reinforce (or Reward): Reinforce or Reward the behaviour that you are asking for by pointing out how the other person also benefits when you get what you need.
Sue: If you could help me with this, then the learning environment in class would get so much better
Jack: If you could do this for me, allowing me to get some rest in the evening, I would be so much more available and engaged during the day.
While the D-E-A-R skills help you to know what to, the M-A-N skills show you how to do it:
Mindful: Stay mindful of what you want to accomplish. Don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked or diverted. Just keep asking for what you want over and over.
Sue: I would still like to meet with you (regardless of what the Principal says)
Jack: I do need to have my free time in the evenings.
Appear Confident: Use a confident voice, posture and maintain eye contact. Appear effective and sure of yourself. The emphasis here is to appear confident, even when you don’t feel confident.
Negotiate: Be willing to reduce your request while still getting your main needs met. Focus on what will work for you. You might even turn the tables and ask the other person “What do you think we should do”
If you have a difficult conversation coming up, it helps to write down all the things that you want to say, according to the DEAR MAN format, and then practice them beforehand. Work out what you are willing to settle for in advance. If you have a friend or partner to roleplay with, that is even better. Instruct your partner to specifically make it challenging, to give some pushback, so that you can specifically practice being mindful and confidently portraying yourself through your tone, speech and body language.
Dear Man is an effective communication technique that will increase the likelihood of more satisfying outcomes in your relationships.
